How to Write the Great Italian American Novel
How to Write the Great Italian American Novel
All of the Italians must have exaggerated features: fat noses, broad shoulders, and big hair. Their hands and fingers must be grubby when they reach for gabagool. The hero must be a half-breed, half white and half Italian, preferably from mafia culture. He should often commit crimes. That is mandatory. If the hero is an Italian woman, she is beautiful. She must be glamorous and in love with a white man. But if she loves an Italian man then he must be a half-breed, preferably from mafia culture. If the Italian woman loves a white man, then he has to be Michael Cera, so white that we can see the blue veins running through his skin like rivers. When the Italian woman steps out of her dress, Michael Cera gasps at the endless beauty of her dark skin. She should be compared to nature: brown hills, mountains, fertile valleys, dewy grass, wind, and clear water. If she is compared to murky water, however, then she must have a secret. Italians always have secrets, which are carefully and slowly revealed. Yet Italian secrets can be disclosed suddenly, in a domestic abuse episode. Italian men, of course, are wife beaters. They should destroy the lives of any white women who choose to love them. All white women love Italian men. That is always the case. White women feign disgust at the ripped guido in Armani with spiked hair, but secretly lust after him. White women dream about half-breed Italian men from mafia cultures. Italian men are DJs, smelling of cologne and tanning oil. When the Italian man unbuttons his pants, the white woman should think of gabagool. There must be one murder, one suicide, one attempted rape. Red wine should be consumed. Italian sports cars must be driven at high speeds. Italians must see Catholic visions. White people can have the same visions if they are in love with Italians. If a white person loves an Italian then the white person is Italian by proximity. White people must carry an Italian deep inside themselves. Those interior Italians are half-breed and obviously from mafia cultures. If the interior Italian is male then he must be loud and obnoxious, especially if he is inside a white man. If the interior Italian is female, then she must have big hair, especially if she is inside a white woman. Sometimes there are complications. An Italian man can be hidden inside a white woman. An Italian woman can be hidden inside a white man. In these rare instances, everybody is a half-breed struggling to learn more about his or her mafia culture. There must be Catholic redemption, of course, and sins must be forgiven. For this, we need children. A white child and an Italian child, gender not important, should express deep affection in a childlike way. In the Great Italian American novel, when it is finally written, all of the white people will be Italians and all of the Italians will be loud.